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OBJ Press Conference Preview

Posted on April 1, 2019 by Dollar Dog Sports

Odell Beckham, Jr.’s introductory press conference is today. Many Clevelanders are excited to hear from the new Browns’ wideout. I have been following Cleveland sports long enough that I can save you some time. This is how the media question portion of the conference is going to go down.

Odell Beckham, Jr. (OBJ) just finished up his opening remarks and the media is now asked for any questions. OBJ points to Mary Kay Cabot for the first question.

Mary Kay: What are your thoughts on playing for a franchise that didn’t win a game a couple of years ago?

OBJ: Well, I think last year they proved they are moving in the right direction and we are continuing to get better every day.

Mary Kay: Ok. Well what do you think about teaming up with Baker Mayfield? Are you excited even though he threw 3 interceptions in a game that one time last year?

OBJ: Are you always this negative? Next question.

Odell points in Tony Grossi’s general direction.

Tony: Odell, what do you…

OBJ: Not you Tony!

Tony pulls out his phone and blocks Odell on Twitter.

Tony: (mumbles under his breath) Have fun in the ex-files, pallie.

Odell calls on Stephen A. Smith

Stephen A.: What do you think about lining up opposite of Braylon Edwards this season with the Browns?

OBJ: That guy hasn’t played here in like 10 years.

Stephen A.: Oh that’s right. He was a baaaaaaaaad man, tho! You think you can learn Todd Haley’s playbook before camp starts?

OBJ: Next!

Collin Cowherd stumbles in wearing a Sam Darnold jersey.

Collin: Did Baker Mayfield reach out to you immediately after the trade?

OBJ: He texted me the next day. I think he was doing some charity work at a children’s hospital right when it happened.

Collin: Typical. Hanging out at the children’s hospital like a little kid. When will he ever grow up?

OBJ: He was working there. He made a lot of kids happy that day!

Collin: You know who else makes kids happy? Barney. And I don’t want that big purple freak leading my football team. I just don’t like it. Grow up Baker!

Mike Silver: Yeah, Baker. You idiot!

Security grabs Mike Silver and drags him out of the room. Screams of “Hue Jackson rules” can be heard from the hallway.

OBJ: Man I thought New York media was tough.

Everyone laughs…except Tony.

Cleveland is Rocking Once Again

Posted on March 14, 2019 by Dollar Dog Sports

Clevelanders have had an exciting week. The Browns have been making moves to “win the offseason”, the Indians’ spring training is in full swing, and the Cavs haven’t done anything to embarrass themselves in quite a while.

Let’s start with the biggest news. Browns General Manager, John Dorsey was wheeling and dealing all week. His huge move was acquiring Odell Beckham, Jr. from the New York Giants. Every media member on every show has been praising Dorsey’s ability to swindle the Giants in the deal. I haven’t seen Cleveland rip off New York like that since the Cavs got Iman Shumpert and J.R. Smith from the Knicks for next to nothing.

Earlier in the week, there was another trade with the Giants that most fans were excited about. The Browns traded their starting guard, Kevin Zeitler, for pass-rusher Olivier Vernon. It was bitter sweet losing Zeitler, but Dorsey and the coaching staff must have faith in last year’s 2nd round draft pick, Austin Corbett. He didn’t get any meaningful reps last season though so nobody knows for sure. I call him Austin “Powers” Corbett because he is an “International Man of Mystery”.

In other Cleveland news, the Cavaliers have been steadily improving as of late. This is especially true for rookie, Collin Sexton. The young point guard has averaged 27 points per game over his last three contests. Sexton calls himself “Young Bull” which begs the question, should we call this team the Cleveland Calves? This team has found the perfect happy tanking medium. They are playing just well enough to show promise while also staying in the Zion Williamson sweepstakes.

There isn’t too much to report about with the Indians. Newly acquired 1st baseman Jake Bauers did just had a monster game yesterday with 5 RBI and his brother from another mother, Trevor Bauer struck out 10 batters in less than 5 innings (insert eye emojis). I could drone on and on about Bauer because he seems to improve every offseason.

So there you have it Cleveland. The city has a team projected to win their 4th consecutive division title, a team that has the third best Vegas odds of winning the AFC, and a team tied with the best odds of winning the NBA lottery.

Everything is coming up Cleveland.

First Annual Post-Combine Browns Prospect Update: Offense Edition

Posted on March 4, 2019 by Dollar Dog Sports

This is my first Annual Post-Combine Browns’ Prospect Update. To be honest, with my penchant for procrastination and forgetfulness, this may be my only “Annual Post-Combine Prospect Update”.

I’m going to put myself in Browns General Manager, John Dorsey’s Nike Air Monarchs for a minute. Here are a few offensive prospects who piqued my interest during the NFL Combine in Indianapolis this past weekend.

Quarterback

Lol.

Like I’ve said before, with advances in medicine the Browns won’t need to draft a QB until at least 2045. I will waste approximately 0 minutes worrying about quarterback prospects until Baker Mayfield is old and gray.

Running Back

See “Quarterback”

Wide Receiver

This has been the most glamorous position of the combine. Every time I looked up another WR was running a sub 4.4 40-yard dash. This was especially intriguing since receiver is a considered a position of need for the Browns.

There was one sleeper pick who flew under the radar all weekend. His name is DK Metcalf. The man put up freakish numbers at almost every drill and had a reported 1.6% body fat. Even with all of these impressive numbers nobody is talking about him (aside from every single person who covers, works for, or watches the NFL.)

Metcalf wasn’t the only WR who improved his stock this weekend. Ohio native, Andy Isabella posted a 4.31 40 time, tying Parris Campbell as the fastest wideout at the combine. I call him Andy “Warhol” Isabella because he will forever be connected to Campbell’s.

If size is your thing, Hakeem Butler is over 6’5 and posted solid numbers in Indianapolis. As a bonus, imagine how many times Jim Donovan can say “The Butler did it!” whenever he makes a big catch.

One disappointment was N’Keal Harry. He dropped some passes and didn’t run the cleanest routes. I was most looking forward to Baker Mayfield throwing 50 yard passes to him so I could call them N’Kealear Bombs. I’m still workshopping that one.

Tight End

I truly believe that David Njoku will continue to improve this offseason with Mayfield as his QB. If he doesn’t take the next step there are a few interesting options in this draft class.

T.J. Hockenson is the one name I keep seeing at the top of people’s draft charts. He is well-rounded and put up good numbers at the combine. Hockenson’s college teammate, Noah Fant caused quite a stir as well by running a 4.5 40 yard dash. The issue is that both of these players are expected to go in the first round and Cleveland probably shouldn’t be spending pick #17 on the tight end position.

The Browns may be well served to pick a blocking TE in the later rounds. However, I’m too disinterested in blocking tight ends to look at combine numbers for potential candidates.

Offensive Line

Early in the season (when Hue Jackson coached), the Browns had a very offensive line. Then things changed (Hue got fired) and the o-line had a successful end of the year. After re-signing Greg Robinson and having former 2nd round pick, Austin Corbett waiting in the wings, offensive line may be put on the back burner this draft.

That being said, one offensive line stat that stood out to me was Ioshua Opeta’s bench press. Most of the prospects were able to bench 225 pounds 25-29 times. Opeta repped it out 39 times. To put that into context, that is 39 more times than Kevin Durant can do it. Simply amazing.

That wraps up the offensive player edition of my First Annual Post-Combine Browns Prospect Update. As a little added bonus, I’ve included some special teams stuff at the end. You’re welcome.

Kicker/Punter

If you actually want to know my opinion of how kickers and punters performed at the combine, then you clearly care more than me. Do your own research.

Unbiased Rookie of the Year Debate

Posted on January 11, 2019 by Dollar Dog Sports

There have been a lot of debates going on over who should win the prestigious Pepsi Rookie of the Year award this season. Here are some compelling arguments for and against each finalist. To ensure that I am completely fair and show no favor towards any Browns’ players I have listed them in the order they appear on NFL.com.

Saquon Barkley- RB, NYG: Barkley scored 15 touchdowns this season and had the 2nd most rushing yards in the NFC East this year on 261 carries. He also had 91 receptions. That is 352 touches in one year! Can you say ball hog? Those stat lines are great and he probably led fantasy teams to a lot of victories this season. Unfortunately, The Pepsi Rookie of the Year Award isn’t won in make-believe-land. In the real world, Saquon led New York to 11 losses. I don’t know about you guys, but I want my Rookie of the Year to help his teammates and share the spotlight.

saquon

Nick Chubb- RB, CLE: Chubb averaged 5.2 yards per carry this season and was technically the Browns’ first 1,000 yard rusher (until he lost yardage on his last attempt) since Peyton Hillis in 2010. This is incredible seeing how he was only given double-digit carries in 8 games. The Georgia product also found the endzone 10 times and ensured I didn’t have to start Isaiah Crowell on my fantasy team the second half of the season. What Nick Chubb was able to do this season was very impressive, especially considering he got Hue’d.

Hue’d (v. hyoo-d) – 1. the act of being benched for less impressive, unproductive veterans ex. Tyrod Taylor started over Baker at the beginning of the year? Boy did he get Hue’d.

nick chubb

Darius Leonard- LB, IND: Leonard led the entire NFL in tackles with 163…yawn. If tackles were so great D’Qwell Jackson and Jamir Miller would’ve been league MVP every year. His 7 sacks may seem impressive as well until you realize that Kamerion Wimbley had 11 during his rookie campaign. All in all, Leonard had a nice season and defense may win championships, but it doesn’t win Rookie of the Year awards.

darius leonard

Phillip Lindsay- RB, DEN: Lindsay seemingly came out of nowhere this season. The native Coloradan went undrafted, joined his hometown Broncos, and took the starting job from fellow rookie, Royce Freeman. Lindsay had very similar stats to Nick Chubb this season, with 40 more yards and the same amount of total touchdowns. If I had to pick a negative about this kid, it would be that his team underachieved, he got banged up, and faded down the stretch. Also, Chubb won their head-to-head matchup and outgained Phillip 100-24. Tough look for the first year back.

phillip lindsay

Baker Mayfield- QB, CLE: Mayfield was the catalyst in turning the Cleveland Browns’ season (and entire franchise) around this year. The young signal caller set the record for most passing touchdowns by a rookie, passing Russell Wilson and Peyton Manning (maybe you’ve heard of them). Baker had 3,725 more passing yards than Saquon Barkley this season. He had 27 more passing touchdowns than Chubb and Lindsay. He even had more sacks (25) than Darius Leonard (7). The former Heisman winner accomplished all this while also enduring the Hue/Haley experience.

baker mayfield

The Verdict: This is a great group of young players and some of them will probably go on to be stars in the NFL for years to come. Nick Chubb set team rookie records for a franchise that had legendary running backs like Jim Brown, Leroy Kelly, and Trent Richardson. Phillip Lindsay became the first undrafted rookie offensive player to be named a Pro-Bowler. This race is tighter than a bench seat next to Bob Wylie.

duqhvuvwsaavfhi

With all that being said, I think its a no-brainer that the winner of the 2018 Pepsi Rookie of the Year Award should go to Baker Reagan Mayfield of the Cleveland Browns. A rookie quarterback leading an 0-16 team to a 7 and a half game improvement, while going through a coaching change, is more impressive than any stats you can show me.

Browns Mock Draft ’19

Posted on January 9, 2019 by Dollar Dog Sports

For the first time in a long time, Cleveland fans don’t have to obsess over seven round mock drafts, or study film and interviews from every draft eligible quarterback in the country. With mock draft fever at an all time low, I have created this list of players who would create excellent storylines for the Cleveland Browns next season. Most of these players will be gone long before the Browns pick at #17, but a guy can dream.

Josh Allen- LB, Kentucky: Josh Allen is a top talent and plays a position that the Browns need help at, but those aren’t the reasons I’m pulling for Cleveland to draft him. The Browns NEED this young man just so all the fans on twitter who campaigned for Josh Allen, the quarterback, last year can make bad jokes about how they were actually talking about this guy. Even if Cleveland isn’t able to get him on draft day, we can look forward to middle-aged men everywhere tweeting “I thought he got drafted last year LOL” or “Wow, he must’ve changed positions #Draft”.

Greg Little– OT, Ole Miss: The offensive line as a whole looked better once Freddie Kitchens and healthy wide receivers gave Baker a chance to get rid of the ball quicker, but one of the “needs” I keep seeing pop up for Cleveland is the offensive tackle position. The best part of this pick would be the recycling of all the #15 jerseys from the last Greg Little to wear the orange and brown. As an added bonus, the new Greg Little could do stupid first down symbols every time he successfully blocks someone as an homage to the old wideout.

Rashan Gary– DE, Michigan: The only Ohio State players that are consistently projected as first rounders are Nick Bosa and Dwayne Haskins. Bosa is supposed to go top 3 and with advances in medicine, Cleveland won’t need to draft a QB in the first round again until at least 2045. The next best thing from drafting Buckeyes is drafting Michigan men so fans can irrationally hate them until they become really good pros. I look forward to Mr. Gary getting heckled at local CVS’ all across Northeast Ohio until he proves himself.

Deandre Baker– CB, Georgia: Maybe its recency bias, but if your name is Baker I want you in Cleveland. With Freddie Kitchens at the helm, I would trade for Dalvin Cook and Buddha Baker, sign Brandin Cooks, and get Connor Cook to back up Mayfield. You can never have too many cooks and bakers in Freddie’s kitchen (insert cricket sound).

D.K. Metcalf– WR, Ole Miss: Much like the Greg Little pick, I’d love to see all the old Metcalf jerseys come out of retirement. If I’m the Browns, I would force D.K. to wear #21 strictly for the nostalgia effect (sorry Denzel Ward). Also, Clevelanders love nicknames and with a name like D.K. I’m sure we could come up with some doozies.

Marquise Brown– WR, Oklahoma: Drafting Marquise Brown actually makes sense for a couple of reasons. He is explosive and has already worked with Baker Mayfield at Oklahoma. Personally, I hope Cleveland takes him so he can join a long line of great Cleveland Brown Brown’s like Paul, Jim, Sashi, and Courtney. The only downside is Cleveland isn’t big enough for two Hollywood’s so either he or Higgins will have to change their name or leave town.

If Cleveland somehow acquires any of these players, please credit me for first reporting it and be prepared to see dozens of corny tweets about it immediately following the draft. Later on I will release some late round sleepers (people with funny names or back stories) that would create great storylines for Browns fans and media members to discuss.

My First Take

Posted on November 1, 2018 by Dollar Dog Sports

Today, Adam Schefter reported that Hue Jackson will be appearing on ESPN’s First Take tomorrow morning. The former Browns coach has often times been accused of leaking stories to the media and throwing people under the bus so it should be an entertaining episode.

I am so excited to hear what he says that I am already playing different scenarios in my head. Here are a few of the events I am expecting to see on the show Friday morning.

There is definitely going to be a delayed start to the episode. After 20 minutes of Steven A. Smith rambling to bide time, the coach finally bumbles onto the set and explains that he is late because of traffic. After all, we all know that Hue really struggles on the road.

After deflecting all the blame for the last three years of disappointments with the Browns, the host cuts off Hue. She says, “Alright, we are going to have to take a timeout and go to a commercial break.”

“I don’t really think timeouts are necessary,” responds Jackson.

(Audience laughs, but Hue just stares blankly)

After break, the unemployed coach vents about how ungrateful the Cleveland fans are, “I brought those people a dang parade and this is how they repay me? Not to mention, if it wasn’t for my coaching, we would’ve never had the number 1 pick two years in a row. Every time Myles gets a sack or Baker makes an incredible play people should be thanking me.”

As the hour draws to an end Steven A. and Max Kellerman cut from the final scene, get up, and start to walk off set, but Hue stays seated.

“What? We don’t do overtimes around here?” Hue asks confusedly. Once again the audience bursts with laughter but Jackson is perplexed by their response.

Hue finally lumbers off stage where Steven A. asks him how he thinks the show went. “Well, I DVR’d it at home so I’ll have to watch the tape and get back to you on that?”

Trick-or-Treating with the Browns

Posted on October 31, 2018 by Dollar Dog Sports

Today is Halloween, which means thousands of Trick-or-Treaters are going to be roaming the streets of Cleveland. The Browns were kind enough to release a list of the candies that their players and personnel will be passing out tonight.

Antonio Callaway: Butterfinger– The rookie wide receiver is going to pass out these delicious peanut buttery treats. Kids are advised to look for extra candy on his porch because Antonio is known to drop things. Just beware, the smoke pouring out of his door isn’t coming from a fog machine. (Children dressed as police officers will not be awarded with candy, and may cause Mr. Callaway to get antsy and flee the premises.)

Hue Jackson: Dum Dum– Coach Jackson was recently let go from the team, but he is still willing to pass out candy to kids. Quite the class act. Please make sure your children are on their best behavior because there are security cameras all over his property. We all know that Hue loves to watch the tape. Luckily, boys and girls won’t be disciplined because Coach Jackson hates to use timeouts.

Jamie Collins: PayDay- Jamie may take awhile to get to the door after you ring his doorbell. Ensure your children that the linebacker is indeed home. Also, make sure you thank Mr. Collins for the candy. He needs constant positive reinforcement for his good actions.

Bob Wylie: Jelly Belly- Don’t you dare stretch before going Trick-or-Treating at the O-Line coach’s house. Don’t forget that Bob is an amateur magician so be careful asking for a trick. He’ll be pulling Necco Wafers out of your ears all night.

Jimmy Haslam: Sugar Daddy– Don’t expect to get more than one piece of candy from Mr. Haslam. The FBI has been cracking down on what he can give out ever since the whole rebate incident so he has been walking on eggshells lately. Parents will be happy to know that while their children are trick-or-treating at the Haslam house, Jimmy will be pounding shots of tequila with the adults.

Gregg Williams: Lozenges– The new ball coach is a little rough around the edges so please prepare your children for the words they are about to be exposed to. The kids will be excited though, Gregg allows them to take a handful of treats because he has a bounty of the stuff and is a firm believer that people need incentives to do their best.

One last bit of advice, do not dress up as bumblebees, Where is Waldo, or inmates. These players have been traumatized by men in stripes for weeks now and tend to lose it when seeing one.

Be safe out there, kids. And Go Browns!

Hue Jackson: Buffoon or Mastermind

Posted on October 23, 2018 by Dollar Dog Sports

If you have been on Twitter recently (the last 2 years), you have probably seen plenty of Hue Jackson slander. Some of it is warranted, some of it is blind hatred because he has done stupid things in the past.

While he may not be good at play calling, making smart challenges, using his timeouts at appropriate times, judging kickers, conducting press conferences, or understanding end of half situations, he is very good in one key area. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is better at going to overtime than Hue.

While he may not understand the rules of overtime, and he doesn’t tend to win once his team gets there, Coach Jackson finds very creative ways to get his young players more playing time.

John Dorsey has to love all the extra reps Baker Mayfield, Nick Chubb, and Desmond Harrison are getting. By the end of this season, they will all have the experience of a 3 year veteran, but still have 3 or 4 years left of team control.

Best of all, the overtime games almost always use up the entire 10 minutes of the period. Jackson has figured out that if a game never ends, he can’t be fired. Genius really.

Hue is like the guy in the old Buffalo Wild Wings commercials that makes every game go to overtime just so he can stick around a little bit longer.

Speaking of restaurants and bars, fans and economists lauded LeBron James for all the revenue he brought to downtown during his tenure, yet they villainize Hue for the same thing. Bar patrons are stuck watching the Browns an extra half hour each week which raises alcohol sales at each establishment. As an added bonus, Coach Jackson finds ways to lose those games in embarrassing fashion resulting in more binge drinking. Win-win for the bar owners.

The more I write, the more I am realizing that not only is Hue Jackson a great coach, he may be the hero Cleveland needs right now.

(Insert photoshop of Hue on the old LeBron Billboard)

The only way the Coach’s plan can backfire is if the Haslam’s realize how much comp time Hue has saved up from the OT’s and they use that to justify paying him for two more years after he is released this offseason.

Final Verdict: Mastermind

Browns Recap and NFL Streaks

Posted on October 8, 2018 by Dollar Dog Sports

The Cleveland Browns defeated the Baltimore Reffins on Sunday, 12-9. The win ended some notorious streaks that the media enjoys rubbing in Cleveland fans’ faces. It marked their first victory inside their division since 2015, and their first Sunday win in over 1,000 days.

I took the liberty of finding some streaks for other teams that we should start to point out.

Did you know:

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers haven’t won a Thursday game since October 25, 2012. That’s 2,173 days. (Browns won one just 18 days ago)

Other Notable Thursday Night Droughts:

49ers- 1,837 days (9/26/13)

Bears- 1,823 days (10/10/13)

Dolphins- 1,424 days (11/13/14)

The Chicago Bears haven’t won on a Saturday since December 14, 1996. That’s 7,963 days. (The Browns won one less than 2 years ago)

Other Notable Saturday Droughts:

Rams- 5,383 days (01/08/04)

Broncos- 5,012 days (01/14/05)

Buccaneers- 4,668 days (12/24/05)

Bills, Bengals, and Giants- 2,478 days (12/24/11)

Also, I’m pretty sure Ohio State and Alabama have never won on a Sunday and we never ridicule them.

Back to Sunday’s game.

Playgrounds all across Northeast Ohio are going to have kids singing “Patty Cake, Patty Cake, Baker’s the Man!” after the Rookie threw for 342 yards and led the Browns on a beautiful game-winning drive in overtime.

The Browns had a chance to win in regulation, but Gregory Joseph “Biden” was leaning too far to the left. Luckily, he came slightly more to the middle in OT.

Denzel “Washington” Ward was a Man on Fire, defending passes, causing turnovers, and blocking kicks. He really was the Equalizer against the Ravens.

Britton Colquitt was an overtime hero by booming punts to keep the Ravens pinned back. I haven’t seen Britton push somebody back that deep into their own territory since the Battle of Bunker Hill.

The defense played phenomenal as well. It’s no coincidence that the Browns have been making a ton of turnovers since Baker came to town. I was also impressed by the defense’s discipline against the Lamar Jackson wildcat plays. I was equally unimpressed with the Ravens use of their rookie QB.

All in all, it seems like we finally have a fun, competitive football team in Cleveland. It is so strange watching a Browns game and actually feeling confident. I guess when a team truly has playmakers on both sides of the ball it makes a difference. Whoda thunk it?

Go Browns!

Baker Makes Brownies Better

Posted on September 21, 2018 by Dollar Dog Sports

Last night, the Cleveland Browns got competent quarterback play for the first time since 2007, when Derek Anderson fooled us all for a season. I was all aboard the “Let Baker Sit” express after the first two weeks because Tyrod Taylor had the Browns in position to be 2-0, but boy was I dumb. The veteran signal caller was brutal the entire first half, and suffered a concussion late in the 2nd quarter allowing Baker Mayfield a chance to finally play with the 1’s. Ironically, Tyrod had so much egg on his face that he looked like a Baker and Mayfield did his best impression of a Tailor by threading the needle all night.

The Baker puns are endless. He made the entire Jets defense look like cupcakes yesterday and donut even get me started about all the dough he’s about to make. That two point conversion reception was really the icing on top.

The Browns offense finally looked like an adequate unit once Bakermania entered the game. Somehow, expectant father, Carlos Hyde looked faster and stronger every time he took a handoff from Mayfield. Unfortunately, all I could think about whenever he touched the ball was this guy.

Hyde, yo kids (about to be born), Hyde, yo wife (is in labor)

The defense played extremely well all game. I believe the Jets would’ve only scored 10 points if it wasn’t for a short field off of a blocked punt.

Speaking of which, can the Browns’ special teams be any worse? The missed field goals and extra points have been well documented, but the punt and punt return units have been terrible. This season, Colquitt has punted into his own blocker and punted one off of Nick Chubb’s head. Jabrill Peppers has refused to make a normal return (fair catching when he shouldn’t and catching punts off of awkward bounces) and there has been a block in the back on essentially every return this year.

All in all, it was a great day to be John Dorsey. With Baker on the bench, 33rd overall pick Corbett not contributing at all, and Josh Gordon being traded for a 5th round pick, the General Manager had been under a lot of scrutiny the past couple of weeks. That all changed when Mayfield took the reins. Fellow first round pick, Denzel Ward, made multiple big plays, including a fumble return that resulted in a Browns field goal and 5th round pick, Genard Avery, was able to pressure Sam Darnold a few times. As an added bonus, Cleveland’s newly acquired kicker didn’t miss any field goals or PAT’s, which is pretty wild.

Everything is coming up Browns!