Today is Halloween, which means thousands of Trick-or-Treaters are going to be roaming the streets of Cleveland. The Browns were kind enough to release a list of the candies that their players and personnel will be passing out tonight.
Antonio Callaway: Butterfinger– The rookie wide receiver is going to pass out these delicious peanut buttery treats. Kids are advised to look for extra candy on his porch because Antonio is known to drop things. Just beware, the smoke pouring out of his door isn’t coming from a fog machine. (Children dressed as police officers will not be awarded with candy, and may cause Mr. Callaway to get antsy and flee the premises.)
Hue Jackson: Dum Dum– Coach Jackson was recently let go from the team, but he is still willing to pass out candy to kids. Quite the class act. Please make sure your children are on their best behavior because there are security cameras all over his property. We all know that Hue loves to watch the tape. Luckily, boys and girls won’t be disciplined because Coach Jackson hates to use timeouts.
Jamie Collins: PayDay- Jamie may take awhile to get to the door after you ring his doorbell. Ensure your children that the linebacker is indeed home. Also, make sure you thank Mr. Collins for the candy. He needs constant positive reinforcement for his good actions.
Bob Wylie: Jelly Belly- Don’t you dare stretch before going Trick-or-Treating at the O-Line coach’s house. Don’t forget that Bob is an amateur magician so be careful asking for a trick. He’ll be pulling Necco Wafers out of your ears all night.
Jimmy Haslam: Sugar Daddy– Don’t expect to get more than one piece of candy from Mr. Haslam. The FBI has been cracking down on what he can give out ever since the whole rebate incident so he has been walking on eggshells lately. Parents will be happy to know that while their children are trick-or-treating at the Haslam house, Jimmy will be pounding shots of tequila with the adults.
Gregg Williams: Lozenges– The new ball coach is a little rough around the edges so please prepare your children for the words they are about to be exposed to. The kids will be excited though, Gregg allows them to take a handful of treats because he has a bounty of the stuff and is a firm believer that people need incentives to do their best.
One last bit of advice, do not dress up as bumblebees, Where is Waldo, or inmates. These players have been traumatized by men in stripes for weeks now and tend to lose it when seeing one.
Be safe out there, kids. And Go Browns!