Browns’ Late Round Mock Draft

Earlier, I wrote an article highlighting the potential first round draft picks for the Cleveland Browns. John Dorsey made that entire article worthless when he dealt their first pick to the New York Giants for Odell Beckham, Jr. (Rumor has it that he may trade right back into the first round though.)

The players on this list were chosen based solely on the storylines that would be created if they were actually drafted by the Browns. This is in no way supposed to show who I think Cleveland will/should draft.

Chase Winovich- EDGE, Michigan: Its no secret that most Ohioans can’t stand players (or fans, or coaches, or cheerleaders, or band members) from the team up North. This is no different for Winovich, who happens to have an especially punchable face. After some of the comments he has made about Ohio State, rival fans have a little extra hatred for the long haired edge rusher. The last player the Browns drafted that was an enemy of Buckeye Nation was Baker Mayfield, and he turned out to be pretty good.

Bobby Evans- OT, Oklahoma: You might be reading this thinking, “Wow, this one actually makes sense. The Browns need help at the tackle position and this guy has worked with Baker before.” Well, you put a lot more thought and analysis into it than I did. Simply put, I want Bob Evans on a team with Freddie Kitchens and Baker so people (me) can fill everyone’s timelines with corny food jokes. “Did you hear about Bob Evans? The Kitchens wanted him to get some pancakes for a Baker.” I’m still workshopping this but be prepared to see a lot more like that if the pick actually comes to fruition.

Michael Jordan- OG, Ohio State: The last guard named Michael Jordan won six titles and was part of a great dynasty. With Baker Mayfield at the helm, this Michael Jordan should go on to do the same thing. playing for the Browns would set up so many twitter jokes. You could go the LeBron vs. MJ route. LeBron only won one title with Cleveland whereas Michael Jordan will probably win multiple with the Browns.

Elijah Holyfield- RB, Georgia: Elijah Holyfield is the son of famed boxer, Evander Holyfield. I’m sure I’ll get an earful for suggesting the Browns select another young running back with Duke Johnson, Kareem Hunt, and Nick Chubb on the roster, but I don’t want to hear it. He could help Cleveland take a bite out of the Ravens and help Freddie Kitchen’s offense chew up clock. Also, his dad had experience beating a guy who owned bengals which could come in handy when facing the Steelers this year.

Gardner Minshew- QB, Washington State: Quarterback is one position that the Browns are set at, but it never hurts to get a serviceable young back-up. This recommendation is based solely on his name, as I have watched approximately 0 minutes of film on Minshew. It’s a shame the Browns didn’t retain Tyrod as well. We could’ve all looked forward to bad jokes that start with “A Baker, a Gardner, and a Taylor walk into a bar…”.

Saquan Hampton- S, Rutgers: Many people lamented the fact that Cleveland didn’t select Saquon Barkley in last year’s draft. This year, John Dorsey gets a redo and can select a Saquan from the Big Ten. Best of all even if he gets outplayed by an electric, young, record-setting quarterback, he will still win Rookie of the Year.

Dre’Mont Jones- DL, Ohio State: It would be cruel to make someone who has been a loyal Browns fan since their return in 1999 to join another team just before they win the Super Bowl.

Michael Jackson- CB, Miami: All the good cornerbacks shadow wide receivers to the point where it looks like the wideout is just a “Man in the Mirror”. In a game against the Patriots, Jackson could guard Julian Edelman or Josh Gordon because to him it don’t matter if you’re “Black or White”. Twenty years from now, Browns fans will be saying I “Remember the Time” that Michael Jackson picked off Tom Brady in the AFC Championship game. That would be crazy, but to be honest, any game with Jackson involved is sure to be a “Thriller”. I’m sorry, I know that was way too many puns about the Prince of Pop. If I made any more of them it would be real “Bad”.

 

OBJ Press Conference Preview

Odell Beckham, Jr.’s introductory press conference is today. Many Clevelanders are excited to hear from the new Browns’ wideout. I have been following Cleveland sports long enough that I can save you some time. This is how the media question portion of the conference is going to go down.

Odell Beckham, Jr. (OBJ) just finished up his opening remarks and the media is now asked for any questions. OBJ points to Mary Kay Cabot for the first question.

Mary Kay: What are your thoughts on playing for a franchise that didn’t win a game a couple of years ago?

OBJ: Well, I think last year they proved they are moving in the right direction and we are continuing to get better every day.

Mary Kay: Ok. Well what do you think about teaming up with Baker Mayfield? Are you excited even though he threw 3 interceptions in a game that one time last year?

OBJ: Are you always this negative? Next question.

Odell points in Tony Grossi’s general direction.

Tony: Odell, what do you…

OBJ: Not you Tony!

Tony pulls out his phone and blocks Odell on Twitter.

Tony: (mumbles under his breath) Have fun in the ex-files, pallie.

Odell calls on Stephen A. Smith

Stephen A.: What do you think about lining up opposite of Braylon Edwards this season with the Browns?

OBJ: That guy hasn’t played here in like 10 years.

Stephen A.: Oh that’s right. He was a baaaaaaaaad man, tho! You think you can learn Todd Haley’s playbook before camp starts?

OBJ: Next!

Collin Cowherd stumbles in wearing a Sam Darnold jersey.

Collin: Did Baker Mayfield reach out to you immediately after the trade?

OBJ: He texted me the next day. I think he was doing some charity work at a children’s hospital right when it happened.

Collin: Typical. Hanging out at the children’s hospital like a little kid. When will he ever grow up?

OBJ: He was working there. He made a lot of kids happy that day!

Collin: You know who else makes kids happy? Barney. And I don’t want that big purple freak leading my football team. I just don’t like it. Grow up Baker!

Mike Silver: Yeah, Baker. You idiot!

Security grabs Mike Silver and drags him out of the room. Screams of “Hue Jackson rules” can be heard from the hallway.

OBJ: Man I thought New York media was tough.

Everyone laughs…except Tony.

 

Cleveland is Rocking Once Again

Clevelanders have had an exciting week. The Browns have been making moves to “win the offseason”, the Indians’ spring training is in full swing, and the Cavs haven’t done anything to embarrass themselves in quite a while.

Let’s start with the biggest news. Browns General Manager, John Dorsey was wheeling and dealing all week. His huge move was acquiring Odell Beckham, Jr. from the New York Giants. Every media member on every show has been praising Dorsey’s ability to swindle the Giants in the deal. I haven’t seen Cleveland rip off New York like that since the Cavs got Iman Shumpert and J.R. Smith from the Knicks for next to nothing.

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Earlier in the week, there was another trade with the Giants that most fans were excited about. The Browns traded their starting guard, Kevin Zeitler, for pass-rusher Olivier Vernon. It was bitter sweet losing Zeitler, but Dorsey and the coaching staff must have faith in last year’s 2nd round draft pick, Austin Corbett. He didn’t get any meaningful reps last season though so nobody knows for sure. I call him Austin “Powers” Corbett because he is an “International Man of Mystery”.

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In other Cleveland news, the Cavaliers have been steadily improving as of late. This is especially true for rookie, Collin Sexton. The young point guard has averaged 27 points per game over his last three contests. Sexton calls himself “Young Bull” which begs the question, should we call this team the Cleveland Calves? This team has found the perfect happy tanking medium. They are playing just well enough to show promise while also staying in the Zion Williamson sweepstakes.

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There isn’t too much to report about with the Indians. Newly acquired 1st baseman Jake Bauers did just had a monster game yesterday with 5 RBI and his brother from another mother, Trevor Bauer struck out 10 batters in less than 5 innings (insert eye emojis). I could drone on and on about Bauer because he seems to improve every offseason.

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So there you have it Cleveland. The city has a team projected to win their 4th consecutive division title, a team that has the third best Vegas odds of winning the AFC, and a team tied with the best odds of winning the NBA lottery.

Everything is coming up Cleveland.