Browns Mock Draft ’19

For the first time in a long time, Cleveland fans don’t have to obsess over seven round mock drafts, or study film and interviews from every draft eligible quarterback in the country. With mock draft fever at an all time low, I have created this list of players who would create excellent storylines for the Cleveland Browns next season. Most of these players will be gone long before the Browns pick at #17, but a guy can dream.

Josh Allen- LB, Kentucky: Josh Allen is a top talent and plays a position that the Browns need help at, but those aren’t the reasons I’m pulling for Cleveland to draft him. The Browns NEED this young man just so all the fans on twitter who campaigned for Josh Allen, the quarterback, last year can make bad jokes about how they were actually talking about this guy. Even if Cleveland isn’t able to get him on draft day, we can look forward to middle-aged men everywhere tweeting “I thought he got drafted last year LOL” or “Wow, he must’ve changed positions #Draft”.

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Greg LittleOT, Ole Miss: The offensive line as a whole looked better once Freddie Kitchens and healthy wide receivers gave Baker a chance to get rid of the ball quicker, but one of the “needs” I keep seeing pop up for Cleveland is the offensive tackle position. The best part of this pick would be the recycling of all the #15 jerseys from the last Greg Little to wear the orange and brown. As an added bonus, the new Greg Little could do stupid first down symbols every time he successfully blocks someone as an homage to the old wideout.

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Rashan GaryDE, Michigan: The only Ohio State players that are consistently projected as first rounders are Nick Bosa and Dwayne Haskins. Bosa is supposed to go top 3 and with advances in medicine, Cleveland won’t need to draft a QB in the first round again until at least 2045. The next best thing from drafting Buckeyes is drafting Michigan men so fans can irrationally hate them until they become really good pros. I look forward to Mr. Gary getting heckled at local CVS’ all across Northeast Ohio until he proves himself.

Deandre BakerCB, Georgia: Maybe its recency bias, but if your name is Baker I want you in Cleveland. With Freddie Kitchens at the helm, I would trade for Dalvin Cook and Buddha Baker, sign Brandin Cooks, and get Connor Cook to back up Mayfield. You can never have too many cooks and bakers in Freddie’s kitchen (insert cricket sound).

D.K. MetcalfWR, Ole Miss: Much like the Greg Little pick, I’d love to see all the old Metcalf jerseys come out of retirement. If I’m the Browns, I would force D.K. to wear #21 strictly for the nostalgia effect (sorry Denzel Ward). Also, Clevelanders love nicknames and with a name like D.K. I’m sure we could come up with some doozies.

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Marquise BrownWR, Oklahoma: Drafting Marquise Brown actually makes sense for a couple of reasons. He is explosive and has already worked with Baker Mayfield at Oklahoma. Personally, I hope Cleveland takes him so he can join a long line of great Cleveland Brown Brown’s like Paul, Jim, Sashi, and Courtney. The only downside is Cleveland isn’t big enough for two Hollywood’s so either he or Higgins will have to change their name or leave town.

If Cleveland somehow acquires any of these players, please credit me for first reporting it and be prepared to see dozens of corny tweets about it immediately following the draft. Later on I will release some late round sleepers (people with funny names or back stories) that would create great storylines for Browns fans and media members to discuss.

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My First Take

Today, Adam Schefter reported that Hue Jackson will be appearing on ESPN’s First Take tomorrow morning. The former Browns coach has often times been accused of leaking stories to the media and throwing people under the bus so it should be an entertaining episode.

I am so excited to hear what he says that I am already playing different scenarios in my head. Here are a few of the events I am expecting to see on the show Friday morning.

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There is definitely going to be a delayed start to the episode. After 20 minutes of Steven A. Smith rambling to bide time, the coach finally bumbles onto the set and explains that he is late because of traffic. After all, we all know that Hue really struggles on the road.

After deflecting all the blame for the last three years of disappointments with the Browns, the host cuts off Hue. She says, “Alright, we are going to have to take a timeout and go to a commercial break.”

“I don’t really think timeouts are necessary,” responds Jackson.

(Audience laughs, but Hue just stares blankly)

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After break, the unemployed coach vents about how ungrateful the Cleveland fans are, “I brought those people a dang parade and this is how they repay me? Not to mention, if it wasn’t for my coaching, we would’ve never had the number 1 pick two years in a row. Every time Myles gets a sack or Baker makes an incredible play people should be thanking me.”

As the hour draws to an end Steven A. and Max Kellerman cut from the final scene, get up, and start to walk off set, but Hue stays seated.

“What? We don’t do overtimes around here?” Hue asks confusedly. Once again the audience bursts with laughter but Jackson is perplexed by their response.

Hue finally lumbers off stage where Steven A. asks him how he thinks the show went. “Well, I DVR’d it at home so I’ll have to watch the tape and get back to you on that?”

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Trick-or-Treating with the Browns

Today is Halloween, which means thousands of Trick-or-Treaters are going to be roaming the streets of Cleveland. The Browns were kind enough to release a list of the candies that their players and personnel will be passing out tonight.

Antonio Callaway: Butterfinger– The rookie wide receiver is going to pass out these delicious peanut buttery treats. Kids are advised to look for extra candy on his porch because Antonio is known to drop things. Just beware, the smoke pouring out of his door isn’t coming from a fog machine. (Children dressed as police officers will not be awarded with candy, and may cause Mr. Callaway to get antsy and flee the premises.)

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Hue Jackson: Dum Dum– Coach Jackson was recently let go from the team, but he is still willing to pass out candy to kids. Quite the class act. Please make sure your children are on their best behavior because there are security cameras all over his property. We all know that Hue loves to watch the tape. Luckily, boys and girls won’t be disciplined because Coach Jackson hates to use timeouts.

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Jamie Collins: PayDay- Jamie may take awhile to get to the door after you ring his doorbell. Ensure your children that the linebacker is indeed home. Also, make sure you thank Mr. Collins for the candy. He needs constant positive reinforcement for his good actions.

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Bob Wylie: Jelly Belly-¬†Don’t you dare stretch before going Trick-or-Treating at the O-Line coach’s house. Don’t forget that Bob is an amateur magician so be careful asking for a trick. He’ll be pulling Necco Wafers out of your ears all night.

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Jimmy Haslam: Sugar Daddy– Don’t expect to get more than one piece of candy from Mr. Haslam. The FBI has been cracking down on what he can give out ever since the whole rebate incident so he has been walking on eggshells lately. Parents will be happy to know that while their children are trick-or-treating at the Haslam house, Jimmy will be pounding shots of tequila with the adults.

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Gregg Williams: Lozenges– The new ball coach is a little rough around the edges so please prepare your children for the words they are about to be exposed to. The kids will be excited though, Gregg allows them to take a handful of treats because he has a bounty of the stuff and is a firm believer that people need incentives to do their best.

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One last bit of advice, do not dress up as bumblebees, Where is Waldo, or inmates. These players have been traumatized by men in stripes for weeks now and tend to lose it when seeing one.

Be safe out there, kids. And Go Browns!

 

Hue Jackson: Buffoon or Mastermind

If you have been on Twitter recently (the last 2 years), you have probably seen plenty of Hue Jackson slander. Some of it is warranted, some of it is blind hatred because he has done stupid things in the past.

While he may not be good at play calling, making smart challenges, using his timeouts at appropriate times, judging kickers, conducting press conferences, or understanding end of half situations, he is very good in one key area. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is better at going to overtime than Hue.

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While he may not understand the rules of overtime, and he doesn’t tend to win once his team gets there, Coach Jackson finds very creative ways to get his young players more playing time.

John Dorsey has to love all the extra reps Baker Mayfield, Nick Chubb, and Desmond Harrison are getting. By the end of this season, they will all have the experience of a 3 year veteran, but still have 3 or 4 years left of team control.

Best of all, the overtime games almost always use up the entire 10 minutes of the period. Jackson has figured out that if a game never ends, he can’t be fired. Genius really.

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Hue is like the guy in the old Buffalo Wild Wings commercials that makes every game go to overtime just so he can stick around a little bit longer.

Speaking of restaurants and bars, fans and economists lauded LeBron James for all the revenue he brought to downtown during his tenure, yet they villainize Hue for the same thing. Bar patrons are stuck watching the Browns an extra half hour each week which raises alcohol sales at each establishment. As an added bonus, Coach Jackson finds ways to lose those games in embarrassing fashion resulting in more binge drinking. Win-win for the bar owners.

The more I write, the more I am realizing that not only is Hue Jackson a great coach, he may be the hero Cleveland needs right now.

(Insert photoshop of Hue on the old LeBron Billboard)

The only way the Coach’s plan can backfire is if the Haslam’s realize how much comp time Hue has saved up from the OT’s and they use that to justify paying him for two more years after he is released this offseason.

Final Verdict: Mastermind

Browns Recap and NFL Streaks

The Cleveland Browns defeated the Baltimore Reffins on Sunday, 12-9. The win ended some notorious streaks that the media enjoys rubbing in Cleveland fans’ faces. It marked their first victory inside their division since 2015, and their first Sunday win in over 1,000 days.

I took the liberty of finding some streaks for other teams that we should start to point out.


Did you know:

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers haven’t won a Thursday game since October 25, 2012. That’s 2,173 days. (Browns won one just 18 days ago)

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Other Notable Thursday Night Droughts:

49ers- 1,837 days (9/26/13)

Bears- 1,823 days (10/10/13)

Dolphins- 1,424 days (11/13/14)

The Chicago Bears haven’t won on a Saturday since December 14, 1996. That’s 7,963 days. (The Browns won one less than 2 years ago)

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Other Notable Saturday Droughts:

Rams- 5,383 days (01/08/04)

Broncos- 5,012 days (01/14/05)

Buccaneers- 4,668 days (12/24/05)

Bills, Bengals, and Giants- 2,478 days (12/24/11)

Also, I’m pretty sure Ohio State and Alabama have never won on a Sunday and we never ridicule them.


Back to Sunday’s game.

Playgrounds all across Northeast Ohio are going to have kids singing “Patty Cake, Patty Cake, Baker’s the Man!” after the Rookie threw for 342 yards and led the Browns on a beautiful game-winning drive in overtime.

The Browns had a chance to win in regulation, but Gregory Joseph “Biden” was leaning too far to the left. Luckily, he came slightly more to the middle in OT.

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Denzel “Washington” Ward was a Man on Fire, defending passes, causing turnovers, and blocking kicks. He really was the Equalizer against the Ravens.

Britton Colquitt was an overtime hero by booming punts to keep the Ravens pinned back. I haven’t seen Britton push somebody back that deep into their own territory since the Battle of Bunker Hill.

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The defense played phenomenal as well. It’s no coincidence that the Browns have been making a ton of turnovers since Baker came to town. I was also impressed by the defense’s discipline against the Lamar Jackson wildcat plays. I was equally unimpressed with the Ravens use of their rookie QB.

All in all, it seems like we finally have a fun, competitive football team in Cleveland. It is so strange watching a Browns game and actually feeling confident. I guess when a team truly has playmakers on both sides of the ball it makes a difference. Whoda thunk it?

Go Browns!

Space Jam 2 Leaked Script

Space Jam 2 is apparently in the works and I couldn’t be more excited. While I personally believe that Kobe Bryant should be the main character, I’ll settle for LeBron. I have received a sneak peek at the script and would like to share some of the plot without spoiling anything.

A Few Things That Stood Out:

As an homage to the original, Bugs and Daffy are tasked with sneaking into LeBron’s mom’s house in Akron to retrieve his lucky St. Vincent-St. Mary shorts. Instead of running across a ferocious bulldog, the Looney Toons are greeted by a half asleep, tighty-whitey wearing, Delonte West. They get out just in time to make it to the facility on time for training.

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As practice begins, it is clear to LeBron that the Toons are not ready for the big game yet. He responds by firing off cryptic social media posts bashing his teammates for being soft. When this fails, he attempts to trade Taz and Tweety to the Monstars to shake things up but they turn down the offer.

With all of his go-to moves failing, James pulls out one last trick. He contacts Kendrick Lamar and asks him to write some brand new songs that he can use to teach Bugs and the gang how to make workout montages while lip syncing and making aggressive head movements.

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At halftime of the big game against the Monstars, the Toon Squad needs a pick me up. Bugs and LeBron come up with a brilliant plan to trick their teammates into feeling invincible. They take a bottle of LeBron’s Chardonnay out of his gym bag and try passing it off as James’ Magic Juice.

I don’t want to give away the ending or the NBA players who will be losing their skills to the Monstars so I won’t share anymore at this time. Stay tooned.

Other Notable Notes:

Newman from Seinfeld’s character will be played by Brian Windhorst. I am especially excited for the scene where he gets flattened, then pumped full of air until he lets out a minute long fart.

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Baker Makes Brownies Better

Last night, the Cleveland Browns got competent quarterback play for the first time since 2007, when Derek Anderson fooled us all for a season. I was all aboard the “Let Baker Sit” express after the first two weeks because Tyrod Taylor had the Browns in position to be 2-0, but boy was I dumb. The veteran signal caller was brutal the entire first half, and suffered a concussion late in the 2nd quarter allowing Baker Mayfield a chance to finally play with the 1’s. Ironically, Tyrod had so much egg on his face that he looked like a Baker and Mayfield did his best impression of a Tailor by threading the needle all night.

The Baker puns are endless. He made the entire Jets defense look like cupcakes yesterday and donut even get me started about all the dough he’s about to make. That two point conversion reception was really the icing on top.

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The Browns offense finally looked like an adequate unit once Bakermania entered the game. Somehow, expectant father, Carlos Hyde looked faster and stronger every time he took a handoff from Mayfield. Unfortunately, all I could think about whenever he touched the ball was this guy.

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Hyde, yo kids (about to be born), Hyde, yo wife (is in labor)

The defense played extremely well all game. I believe the Jets would’ve only scored 10 points if it wasn’t for a short field off of a blocked punt.

Speaking of which, can the Browns’ special teams be any worse? The missed field goals and extra points have been well documented, but the punt and punt return units have been terrible. This season, Colquitt has punted into his own blocker and punted one off of Nick Chubb’s head. Jabrill Peppers has refused to make a normal return (fair catching when he shouldn’t and catching punts off of awkward bounces) and there has been a block in the back on essentially every return this year.

All in all, it was a great day to be John Dorsey. With Baker on the bench, 33rd overall pick Corbett not contributing at all, and Josh Gordon being traded for a 5th round pick, the General Manager had been under a lot of scrutiny the past couple of weeks. That all changed when Mayfield took the reins. Fellow first round pick, Denzel Ward, made multiple big plays, including a fumble return that resulted in a Browns field goal and 5th round pick, Genard Avery, was able to pressure Sam Darnold a few times. As an added bonus, Cleveland’s newly acquired kicker didn’t miss any field goals or PAT’s, which is pretty wild.

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Everything is coming up Browns!