Baker Makes Brownies Better

Last night, the Cleveland Browns got competent quarterback play for the first time since 2007, when Derek Anderson fooled us all for a season. I was all aboard the “Let Baker Sit” express after the first two weeks because Tyrod Taylor had the Browns in position to be 2-0, but boy was I dumb. The veteran signal caller was brutal the entire first half, and suffered a concussion late in the 2nd quarter allowing Baker Mayfield a chance to finally play with the 1’s. Ironically, Tyrod had so much egg on his face that he looked like a Baker and Mayfield did his best impression of a Tailor by threading the needle all night.

The Baker puns are endless. He made the entire Jets defense look like cupcakes yesterday and donut even get me started about all the dough he’s about to make. That two point conversion reception was really the icing on top.

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The Browns offense finally looked like an adequate unit once Bakermania entered the game. Somehow, expectant father, Carlos Hyde looked faster and stronger every time he took a handoff from Mayfield. Unfortunately, all I could think about whenever he touched the ball was this guy.

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Hyde, yo kids (about to be born), Hyde, yo wife (is in labor)

The defense played extremely well all game. I believe the Jets would’ve only scored 10 points if it wasn’t for a short field off of a blocked punt.

Speaking of which, can the Browns’ special teams be any worse? The missed field goals and extra points have been well documented, but the punt and punt return units have been terrible. This season, Colquitt has punted into his own blocker and punted one off of Nick Chubb’s head. Jabrill Peppers has refused to make a normal return (fair catching when he shouldn’t and catching punts off of awkward bounces) and there has been a block in the back on essentially every return this year.

All in all, it was a great day to be John Dorsey. With Baker on the bench, 33rd overall pick Corbett not contributing at all, and Josh Gordon being traded for a 5th round pick, the General Manager had been under a lot of scrutiny the past couple of weeks. That all changed when Mayfield took the reins. Fellow first round pick, Denzel Ward, made multiple big plays, including a fumble return that resulted in a Browns field goal and 5th round pick, Genard Avery, was able to pressure Sam Darnold a few times. As an added bonus, Cleveland’s newly acquired kicker didn’t miss any field goals or PAT’s, which is pretty wild.

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Everything is coming up Browns!

 

Week 1 Browns Summary

It is no secret the offense struggled mightily on Sunday. The weather conditions were horrible and the pass-heavy play calling didn’t make a lot of sense all things considered. I call the Browns’ offensive coordinator Todd Haley’s Comet because a good play shows up about once every 75 snaps with him.

That one good play happened to go to Josh Gordon Ramsey who caught a tip toeing touchdown while telling Pittsburgh that if they can’t stand the heat, stay out of his f&#%ing kitchen. And that is saying something because his kitchen was about as hot as his last 5 piss tests.

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The big discussion this week has been on who the quarterback should be. Many people are calling for Baker Mayfield after Tyrod TaylorMade played below par and made sure the Browns had a very low scoring round. If he can’t get some good drives going, the rookie may not have to wait long for his chance.

In Tyrod’s defense, Cleveland’s offensive line didn’t play very well. Joel Osteen Bitonio was praying for help on the left side all game but he didn’t get it as penalties and a strong Steeler defensive front seven pressured the Browns all game.

On the defensive side of the ball, Myles “Davis” Garrett produced hit after hit while providing the Browns with plenty of sax. Number 95 was disruptive all day, hurrying the Steeler QB and forcing fumbles. It was about time that Big Ben was the one getting stripped without his consent.

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Ben Roethlisberger finally had to face the Ward(en) who continuously busted the Steelers and kept Antonio Brown locked up all afternoon. The only thing that would’ve made this pun more fitting is if Pittsburgh would’ve worn those stupid striped uniforms.

In overtime, Genard Avery was the Ernie to Joe’s SchoBert as the two teamed up for a sack/fumble return putting the Browns in position to win the game. Unfortunately J.J. Watt’s brother blocked the field goal attempt ending the game in a tie.

Browns to Watch Week One

This has been a very interesting offseason for the Cleveland Browns. They have hired a new general manager, completely overhauled the roster, brought in Todd Haley to run the offense, and starred in a very popular HBO series, Hard Knocks. All the exposure they have received from the show has created buzz around the city, and nation, that this could be the year the Browns are finally relevant. The Hard Knocks bump is very real. However, as all Clevelanders know, having high expectations in the preseason does not necessarily equate to regular season success. An injury here or there, a drug suspension or a little insider trading is all it takes to derail a young team with grand aspirations. All that being said, there are a few people that I am very eager to watch this Sunday.

Myles Garrett

Myles Garrett has been waiting over a year to finally meet Ben Roesthlisberger. He gets his shot on Sunday, and I am very much looking forward to seeing what he does with the opportunity. Finally, Big Ben could be on the receiving end of unwanted advances. Garrett has looked like an elite pass rusher all offseason, destroying the Eagles and Bills’ offensive lines. Pittsburgh’s line should be a more formidable foe for the second year man. Sacks aren’t the end all be all for the young defensive end though. If he is able to disrupt enough to free up Emmanuel Ogbah, it might be all it takes to stifle the Steelers. Roethlisberger could be in for a long day, especially once he sees the Browns QB RV and starts daydreaming about all the things he could do in it.

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Josh Gordon

Browns fans have been waiting 5 years to see Josh Gordon really get to play in an offense that he has practiced with. If he can stay sober for three more days, they should finally get to see it. The guy is an absolute freak athletically and has the physical traits to be the best wide receiver in the NFL. He might need some time to get back in the swing of things since he missed all of training camp, but hopefully he can show glimpses of his former self against the Steelers. If he does that, it could make Joe Haden look like former self as well.

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Todd Haley

I really wanted to include Tyrod Taylor, Carlos Hyde, and David Njoku to this list but that would require extra work for me, and extra time reading for you. Instead, I’ll tie them all together under Todd Haley. After watching Hue Jackson make horrible calls with a talentless team the last two years, I am very excited to see what an offensive coordinator can do with the likes of Jarvis Landry, Hyde, Njoku, Gordon, and a serviceable quarterback. The Browns have shown they can run in the last 3 preseason games and they will need to do just that in order to get going against Pittsburgh. That will open up the passing game for some of their athletic pass catchers to shine.

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Denzel Ward (Or whoever is covering Antonio Brown)

The All-Pro wideout has torn up the entire NFL but he seems to play particularly well against the Browns. With Jabrill Peppers playing 35 yards off the line of scrimmage, Ward should be able to play Brown tight and know he has reinforcements behind him. I was impressed with the rookie cornerback all preseason. I just hope he can stay healthy and tackle smarter.

This may be a list of the people that I am most interested in watching this Sunday, but I am excited to see all the players and even coaches. Football is back and that is all that matters.

Hard Knocks Spin-Offs

The Browns training camp has provided HBO with some fantastic story lines. Here are some potential Hard Knocks shows that are “rumored” to be in the works.

Bro’in with Brogan– Brogan Roback travels the country in an old conversion van, periodically sleeping in various Wal-Mart parking lots, and going to Planet Fitness to shower. As he goes from town to town, he picks up other athletes and interviews them in his van while vaping. (He goes on to name the vehicle the Vape Van). Episode one includes a trip to Boston where he interviews Gronk and they share in-depth philosophies on life and whatnot*. This is also part nature show, where Brogan just eats a bunch of different flowers during his travels.

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The Wylie Old Historian– Offensive Line Coach, Bob Wylie, talks American history. The first episode is a more in-depth look into why stretching is unnecessary, as proven by soldiers during both World Wars. He also explains how vegetables are stupid because POW’s weren’t fed organic veggies and they were some of the toughest SOB’s around.

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Trade (de)Bate– Carl Nassib and Mychal Kendricks have a friendly debate show on the best practices for saving money and investing in the stock market. Kendricks is forced to do some episodes via Skype for obvious reasons. Special guest Bernie Kosar weighs in with his own investment tips.

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Here is a list of shows that were scrapped early in production:

Dawg Cussin’– Gregg Williams just sits in the Dawg Pound and heckles the players with obscenities. He is particularly fond of belittling Todd Haley and Hue Jackson. The pilot episode received a bounty of laughs, but unfortunately HBO is suspending it for a season.

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Hue’s Jacked Son– Hue Jackson adopts Josh Gordon and gives him awkward code names while Josh works out. Josh periodically disappears for episodes at a time for mysterious health retreats, but always comes back in great shape, ready to go. To prove he doesn’t play favorites, Hue makes sure not to start his new son for the season opener.

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*Sneak Peek at Bro’in with Brogan Pilot Dialogue

Brogan: Sup Bro

Gronk: Bruh

Brogan: Bruuhhhh

Gronk: Sup

Brogan: So like, how’s it goin’

Gronk: Hahaha. yeah man, you?

Brogan: Brooooooo

Gronk: Hahahaha.

Brogan: Dandilion? (Offers Gronk a flower to eat)

Gronk: More like a Pansy. Hahahahaha

Brogan: Totally

To be continued…

 

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